one day im going to stop these terrible personal posts and keep them to myself/put them somewhere else but today is not that day. it’s a bit like if you went swimming on your own and theres no one else on the beach or in the water just you but you’d still be screaming help if you started drowning.
ive been putting on a brave face for a long long time and i feel like once this last deadline is done at uni thats it
had a weird one last night. i have no memory of going to sleep or anything i did in the evening then i woke up at 2am and all of my lights were on and my door was open (it never is) and i could hear someone in the house coughing (im home alone for a few days)
im doing what i did when i first got depressed and i cleaned the entire house from top to bottom so i dont have a spare second for negative thought but now ive ran out of things to do my mind can wander. ive been thinking a lot lately about a certain week 6 years ago and i always told myself that “years from now i’ll be in a much better place” but i didn’t think it would be 6 years down the line and still wondering when im getting to this better place.
i feel like im living a double life at the moment. on one hand the normal me and is trying to arrange to see friends over the next few months and wrapping up his degree by making an animated film (with a very short time limit left) and on the other hand the other me is thinking that the things im planning will never happen and that i dont have a future beyond this summer.